I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
