I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
