I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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