Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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