I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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