It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
