Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
