My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
