I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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