Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's shark week go big or go home
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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