She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
