Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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