Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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