Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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