Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
All the doctor said was why
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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