Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
