FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
