Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
