I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
