the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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