i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
