the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
