id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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