Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
