some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
