He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
