When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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