Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
