Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
