Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
