Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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