Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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