I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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