Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
