i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
