Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
