If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
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