a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
