So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
