Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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