i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
