I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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