Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The maid of honor just puked.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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