I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
