Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
