Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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