Pants 0. Shit 1.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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