I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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