The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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