dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
