I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
