his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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